Miserable at Best
by socasuallycruel
Summary: Because these words were never easier for me to say, or her to second guess, but I guess that I can live without you but without you I'll be miserable at best. - Mayday Parade *Not really a romance, but it ends on a high note.


I'm publishing this now, against my better judgement; it's 2:30am and I haven't proofread.

In case it wasn't obvious, I don't own Castle.

* * *

He stops at the top of the steps leading up to the church, taking in a deep breath and adjusting his tie. _It's not too late to turn around, _he tells himself. _They'll never know. _

It would be easy; his car is only just down the street. He could call the driver back, or he could catch the subway just a few blocks over. He could even walk back to his cold, empty apartment, where he could pour himself a glass of scotch, or he could drink it straight out of the bottle, and drown his everlasting sorrows for another night.

But would he really give this chance up? Would he really forego hearing her voice again, seeing her in the dress that she undoubtedly spent weeks searching for, for nothing but a fuzzy throat and a migraine in the morning? Would he really give up just a few hours with her?

He could still run.

Instead he stands up straight, rolling his shoulders and neck as he prepares himself to pull open the old oak door and step inside.

"Castle!" Lanie gasps, breaking away from her current conversation in a heartbeat, "I'm so glad you came!" She throws her arms around his neck and squeezes tightly before he even has the chance to step inside.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," he grins, despite the lie. He'd very nearly rescinded his RSVP when Alexis declined the invitation to be his plus one – he couldn't stand the thought of the likelihood of having to watch her dancing with someone else all night without his daughter there to distract him. "I'm glad you two finally got it together," he smirks, looking her up and down. "You look absolutely wonderful."

"I know," she sasses, taking a step back to examine him. "_You,_ on the other hand, have looked better."

"I know," he smiles sadly. "I'm gonna go find a seat. See you after?"

"You bet. Hang in there, Castle."

"Working on it." He leaves her to her previous conversation with two other women, her mother and maybe a sister by the looks of it. He pushes through the swinging door from the modest lobby into the cavernous sanctuary, searching for an empty seat.

The front half of the church is jam-packed already, all of the pews filled and a few people milling about near the altar. He takes a seat nearly halfway up the room on the groom's side and notices that the group up front consists of Esposito, Ryan, and Kate Beckett herself. He feels like someone stabbed him in the heart with an icicle; she looks nothing other than happy and healthy and devastatingly beautiful and it's all because of somebody that isn't him.

He moves over a little, just enough so that she won't easily see him, and stares at her longingly as she tilts her head, just a little, like she does when she's amused. Ryan throws his head back in laughter, poking Kate in the shoulder before ducking as she reaches to smack his in return.

She misses, and Esposito hits him for her, ducking behind her when Ryan realizes what's just happened. He opens his mouth just as the organist starts playing. Beckett's eyes go wide before she shoves Esposito back next to Ryan and takes off running down the aisle.

Castle ducks just before he comes into her line of sight, suddenly very interested in the church bulletin lying next to him. When she comes back down the aisle with Lanie a few minutes later everyone's eyes are on the bride, but all of his attention is focused on Kate, from the hair pulled into a low twist at the back of her neck to the sleek purple strapless dress that hugs her in _all _the right places to the killer silver strappy stilettos on her feet.

Lanie looks just as beautiful as he'd told her but she's got nothing on Kate. Kate is…. He sighs. Kate is incomparably flawless.

When the duo reaches the front, Lanie in the center and Kate off to the side across from Ryan, he imagines Kate in the flowing white dress, a flower pinned in her hair, the rhinestones glittering on her bust, even though he knows she would never go for that, and Lanie in the purple dress and sparkly death traps next to her.

He puts himself in Espo's tux, the boys standing next to him as he slides a platinum band into place next to the white sapphire engagement ring that had had her name written all over it.

It had been far too soon to even think about thinking about asking Kate to be his wife but, while searching for something special for Alexis's birthday, he'd caught a glimpse of the ring and had seen it all; a wedding in the Hamptons, a honeymoon travelling the world, fighting, making up, trips to the zoo, Coney Island, Broadway, maybe with kids of their own or maybe with the grandkids, birthdays and anniversaries and graduations and weddings and anything they could ever think to accomplish. Dying with her by his side, or he by hers. Meeting up again in the afterlife, despite her disbelief.

There was no way he was leaving that store without it.

It hasn't left the bottom drawer of his nightstand since.

The crowd starts cheering as Esposito dips Lanie for their first kiss, but Castle is still watching Beckett and himself. He turns to her slowly, eyes wide as he tries to decide whether he should be grinning like a fool or crying like a girl. In honor of finally doing something right, he goes for a little of both.

His palms grasp her cheeks gently, her hands clutching his waist as he pulls her towards him. He tilts her head slightly to the right, pressing his lips to hers without hesitation. Her hands travel to his back, hugging him tightly as he wraps his arms around her, forcing her into a quick dip and back before she can smack him.

When they're upright and steady he lets go, pulling away to lean his forehead against hers. _Is it just him or are her eyes watering, too?_ They smile at each other, slightly out of breath, before he grabs her hand and lifts it up into the air, turning to face their friends and family.

He fist-pumps with the other hand, feeding the birds with both Ryan and Esposito as the five of them walk down the aisle and out into the parking lot.

He snaps out of it as the four of them make their way down the aisle, nice and orderly unlike how he'd pictured it. The boys are walking down his side, so he holds out a hand to feed the birds with them as they pass by.

Esposito looks shocked to see him, though he meets his outstretched fingers, whereas Ryan is absolutely thrilled. He feeds the birds and holds his other hand out for a knuckle-touch as he walks by, motioning for Castle to follow them.

Of course he does, though he takes his time, filing out with the other wedding-goers. When he finally makes it outside, Lanie and Esposito are just getting into the car that will take them to the reception. Kate is discussing something with Captain Gates (_where's her date? Does she have one? Please don't_), while Jenny stands quietly at Ryan's side as he jokes around with somebody that Castle vaguely recognizes from the morgue.

He makes his way over to them, putting an arm around Jenny from the side as he sneaks up on her. "Rick!" she squeals quietly, spinning in his arm to hug him, "Oh, it's so good to see you!"

"You too, Jenny," he smiles genuinely, "you look fantastic."

She looks oddly proud at his compliment. "Thank you. You don't look so bad, yourself."

"Lanie says I've looked better," he accuses, narrowing his eyes.

"She's right," she shrugs bashfully. "I just wasn't going to be the one to bring it up."

He barks out a laugh, the first one in what seems like ages. "I appreciate that."

A few feet away Kate freezes, hearing the familiar laugh from somewhere nearby. She'd thought that she'd caught a brief glimpse of him before and during the ceremony but each time she'd looked back it was like he'd vanished. Was she imagining him again?

She turns towards the source of the noise slowly, feeling the heat rush to her face even as the blood drains away, leaving her ashen as years worth of memories wrap around her like the wind.

She'd hoped that he would show but at the same time prayed that he wouldn't; seeing him again was both a blessing and a curse, and she couldn't decide which end of the spectrum was greater.

"Are you coming to the reception?" Jenny asks, Ryan nodding as he turns away from his previous conversation. _Say no. Yes. No. Please._

"C'mon," Ryan begs, slapping his back. "You have to come for a little while, at least."

"That's very ambiguous," Castle muses, pretending to think. "Just how little is a little while? I have very important matters to attend to at home, y'know." _Alexis? Writing? Girlfriend?_

"I'll bet you do," Ryan rolls his eyes.

"Just a bottle of scotch calling my name," he shrugs, picturing the crystal sitting next to his computer, the old torn photo he'd left on his keyboard on his way out. "It can wait, though."

xxx

She's never been more thankful to be a part of a wedding party as she is when she takes her seat next to Lanie, across the dance floor from where he's seated next to Jenny. She wants nothing more to curl into his side, but what would she say? What _could _she say? She'd shattered her heart and smashed his into bits; there was no coming back from that.

Of course she still remembered the look on his face when she'd walked out, the brokenness in his eyes, the frustration in his posture as he'd taken the nearest thing to him, the one and only picture of the two ever snapped while they were kissing, and torn it in two. She couldn't hide how her heart followed the path of the picture but she didn't blame him; she deserved it.

_"You're going to make somebody really happy someday, Rick. Somebody is going to stand here, and they're going to love you so much." She knows how it sounds, as though she doesn't love him at all. She knows how it slaps him right across the face, because she can't help feeling the same whenever he tells her he loves her. How many woman had heard that from him before?_

_"Somebody's going to take my place, and they're going to be able to give you so much more." She thinks realizing that she can't give him everything he wants right now, maybe ever, is a good thing. That he'll be able to find somebody who can give him exactly what he's looking for, before they let this thing go for too long and it become too late._

_Castle doesn't say anything as she leaves, too in shock to comprehend what exactly she's just done. How could she possibly make such a huge decision on her own? How could she ever think that he'd be able to replace her? That he'd want to? Why couldn't she believe him? This couldn't be real._

How could she face him after that? _But doesn't he deserve that much?_

He deserves the world; instead she agrees to dance with some detective from narcotics. He leads her gracefully to the dance floor, spinning and twirling and stepping in perfect time. After a few songs he asks her if she'd like to accompany him to the bar. She feels sick to her stomach when she agrees.

She lets him pick out their drinks, downing two of whatever he hands her in a row. He takes the empty glasses from her to hand back to the bartender and she catches a glimpse of Castle watching her; he's not glaring, not judging. He just looks like he's done. Given up. And she'd done that to him. To them.

"I have to pee," she mumbles, slipping away from the other detective before he can say anything and running off to find the bathroom.

She stands in front of the sink and tries to control her breathing, narrowly avoiding a panic attack. She splashes cold water on her face and pats it dry before unlocking the door and going to step back into the hallway, running into something solid before she can stop herself.

"What the-"

"Oomph!"

She looks up and into the face of Richard Castle. His eyes flash in delight, just for a second, before dulling to the point where they almost don't even look alive.

"Beckett," he says quietly, emotionless.

"Castle," she whimpers, swallowing back a sob.

"Sorry," he apologizes halfheartedly, stepping around her. "I was just leaving."

"Already?" she asks, heart pounding.

"Yeah, well. It was nice to see everybody again, but there's not much for me here."

"Oh…" she trails off, wondering if he could possibly be talking about her after everything.

"Yeah. Where's your friend?" he asks, hurt, looking around for the other detective.

"Who knows? I don't even remember his name."

"Not the only thing you can't remember," he replies bitterly.

"What-"

"It doesn't matter anymore," he cuts her off. "It's in the past and we don't need to dig it up again. I won't force you to suffer through my presence; like I was saying, I was just leaving."

"You really think I suffer in your presence?" she asks, never having felt so small.

"Well you've been avoiding me all night, flaunting that guy…"

"He _asked_ me to dance. That's more than I can say for you."

"Why would I ask you to dance?"

"Why would you?" she agrees.

"I don't know."

"It wouldn't possibly because you wanted to talk to me, instead of sulking all night."

"_You _left _me_. I know where you stand so there's nothing for us to talk about. In fact, this conversation is unnecessary!"

"Well if that's how you really feel, why are you still here having it?"

"_Damn _it, Beckett! Why do you do this? _You _left _me_! Not the other way around! Don't turn this around and make it my fault. Don't dance around the topic!"

"But that's what we do, isn't it? We don't really talk about the issues, we just dance around them."

"This isn't my fault," he insists.

"I know."

"This isn't how I would have it," he says sadly.

"I know that now, too."

"I was fine waiting!" he jumps the gun, despite her sudden calmness. "I knew you wanted to take your time and that was fine!"

"I know! _Now_. But then I didn't know if I'd ever be ready to say it!" she cries. "And you don't deserve someone who can't even tell you she loves you. What kind of person does that? What kind of person am I that I couldn't even say out loud that I loved you!?" she gasps, clutching the chain around her neck and closing her eyes. "Who does that?"

"What I deserve doesn't matter! It's what I want, and what I wanted was you! You never needed to say it," he argues. "It was in everything you did! Everything you said, every time you touched me, every time you _looked _at me!" he shrugs, closing himself off as he takes a step back. "At least I thought it was. I told you I would wait for you, Kate. That wasn't a one time deal."

_Except it was_. _You left without a thought, without even knowing the whole story. What are we if we can't even trust each other to tell the truth? To come out with what's bothering us instead of bottling it up in hostility? What are we if we can't even do that?_

"I would've waited forever, Kate," he whispers, his throat clogging up.

"But you didn't."

She can see the last of the light in eyes flicker and die. "And we're back to this," he sighs, nodding in acceptance. "I made a mistake, Kate. I can't go back in time; I can't change what I did. I put my own heart in front of yours and I know! I know that that's not what you do when you're in love. You always put the other person first, no matter what. I get it, I do.

"I guess it's like cheating; once a mistake, always a mistake? God knows I wish I could take it back, but unfortunately I'm not a Time Lord." He pauses, taking a deep breath before choking out the rest. "I guess I never really believed we'd be able to move on from this, but I'd still hoped…. But it doesn't matter anymore," he shakes his head, taking another step back. "We're not going to get over this, and I can't keep fooling myself. I have to move on from this; I have to get over you."

With another step back he's reached the end of the hallway. "Goodbye, Kate," he whispers, disappearing around the corner.

"Kate!" Lanie appears next to her just as she's about to run after him. "Girl I have been lookin' for you all over the place! I'm about to throw the bouquet!"

"This is it, right?" Kate mutters, ignoring Lanie. "This is that sign you're always telling me about? If the chance to fix it arises I'll know?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I think my chance just walked away. I think I pushed it out the door."

"Oh for the love of God, Beckett. Go after him!"

"Because that worked out so well the first time?"

"See, that is exactly it! Stop making excuses! Stop trying to point out all of the flaws! No relationship is perfect! You love Castle and Castle loves you and, despite all the shit that you two have put each other through, despite your constant pushing and shoving, _that_ is what matters.

"You don't have to agree on everything; you don't have to have everything together; you don't have to think you're worthy of him because he loves you anyway! And if you can't see the fact that he is completely devoted to you then _you _don't deserve _him_!"

"Lanie, I-"

"Don't!" she cuts her off, throwing her hands up. "Just go."

She stays still, eyes wide and feet frozen to the spot. "Oh for the love of- Can you live with yourself if you let him get away again? Is he worth it or not, Beckett?"

She spins around, bolting down the hall, around the corner, up the stairs and out the door. She freezes at the front of the building; which way did he go? Where would he go? She takes off down the street to the right, the one that points towards the Old Haunt. He'd be going for a drink.

"Castle!" she yells as soon as she catches sight of him. "Castle, wait!"

He keeps walking.

She groans, pushing herself harder to catch up with him before the next streetlight changes. "Castle!"

"What?" he snaps when she catches up.

"Lanie was right," she chokes out, trying to catch her breath.

"Fine, I'll bite. About what?"

"The only thing that mattered was that you loved me, and I loved you. The rest was just semantics, things that could've been worked through. I let the doubt get to me and I made up scenarios that never happened and I let it destroy us, I know I did, and the worst part is in the end I destroyed us on purpose and I know I said it was for you and in a way it was but it was also for me and I thought it was going to be right, I really did, but it was the worst decision I'll ever make."

"What do you want me to say? That I forgive you? Because I don't think I can do that. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Beckett, and I can't forgive you for ruining it."

"I don't expect you to forgive me," she shakes her head. "There's nothing I could ever do to earn your forgiveness and I know that. I'll never forgive myself for the way that I handled this."

"Then what do you want?"

She's tempted to say you, to parallel to the first time he's asked her that question, but if this doesn't go the way she wants she refuses to taint the memory. "Do you still love me?" she asks instead, arms wrapping around herself as she tilts her head to the side.

"Beckett," he growls, "I can't do this with you. Not anymore. I can't take it."

"Yes or no, that's all I need. You don't owe me anything but I'm asking anyway. I'm begging you, Castle. Do you still love me?"

"Always." She's on him before he even gets to finish, her eyes closing as her hands fist in his hair and her lips force his apart.

"I love you," she murmurs against him, pulling him down as she pushes up to his level. "I love you, and I'm the biggest asshole in the world and I am so, so sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry."

"What the hell were you thinking?" he cries, breaking away to rest his forehead against hers.

"I-"

"How could you ever second-guess how much I loved you? How could you ever believe that you weren't exactly what I wanted? I spent years chasing after you, Kate, why would I do that if you weren't it? How could you ever think that you weren't it for me?"

"I don't know!" she cries, pushing him away. "I don't know! You didn't trust me with the truth and I just felt if you couldn't trust me after everything we'd been through, how could I trust you? And I did exactly the same thing as you, I kept it bottled up inside except I imploded under the pressure and I panicked! I panicked and I didn't think things through rationally and by the time common sense broke through I was already gone and it was too late and even knowing how much I'd screwed up I still couldn't help second-guessing it all!"

"You have to stop second-guessing us, Kate," he sighs, pulling her back into him. He couldn't believe she was in his arms again. He leans over her, pressing his lips to her forehead, her nose, and finally back to her mouth. "We're too important," he mumbles, refusing to separate from her again. "This is too big."

"I love you," she repeats, pulling his bottom lip between her own, pressing her teeth into the edge.

"I love you," he sighs reverently, stepping her back against the brick wall behind her. He takes back his lip, moving to the corner of her mouth. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

"You're not doing a very good job of moving on," she smirks, trailing off into a moan as he trails away from her mouth and down her jaw.

"I'll never get over you," he swears, biting down just below her ear, soothing it over with his tongue.

"Oh, God," she breathes, head lolling to the side as he moves down her neck. "Take me home, Castle?"

"You have to be sure, Kate," he groans, burying his face into her shoulder. "I can't go through this again. I'm miserable without you, and I really thought I could live like that but I can't, I can't do it. I'm not strong enough to do this without you."

She grabs the sides of his face, pulling him back to look her in the eye. "Take me _home_, Castle."


End file.
